| Dilusional |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|02:43 pm] |
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OOzing with pasion from the words that just rolled of the tip of your tounge, enamoured in the very creation of you, every movement with you is the closest this flesh will get to a heaven experianced on earth, yeah thats us in the wind picked up and taken to a place we never knew existed in a world of so much hate and disgust we bring light to this darkness, you never realized what a journey you were getting your self into, the constant flow of new and amazing experiances, this love unchanging and unexplainable, the downs are only slightly down and the ups are higher then then the highest high i have ever experianced, every new moment spent with you a new chapter in my life something different, unique, and amazing, can this be real? I think not, at least not yet, i wont allow it, its to soon, i must dream just a little more... |
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| Cluttered mind |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|12:10 pm] |
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As I slowly turn my head, figures trailing behind each other, the constant flow of thoughts, the intense organization my one track mind is working so hard to fight to do, thoughts jumping from: are there drinks full, have I rung in their order yet, did I remember to make their salads, is Shara Sue laughing at me, is my wig on strait, why is my hand shaking, why didnt i eat before i got here, man Ryan why dont you think to take care of yourself, Dang that chick at table 5 is super hot, Ryan STOP! focus 2 cesar salads dressing on the side, "Jenny will you ring in bread for table 3 for me", Oh man I hope she isnt frustrated with me, I wonder if they all secretly think I suck at this, Im such a paranoid freak, Man I have so much studying to do tonight and so much work to do this week, come on Ryan your doing it again focus, "Ryan I sat you at table one", Great im double sat, I cant wait to go home and just talk with my mom.........30 minuts later.... By beverage trying to breathe and stop my self from crying im laughing so hard, I love the fact that last night every single one of us were at the most craziest party I've ever been to having the time of our lives.... I thank the lord above for blessing me with the familly, friends, life, and circumstances I have and all that they have taught me! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|02:06 pm] |
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In the seperation I feel the cold breeze biting at my inner thoughts, the vibe was wrong, the feeling stale, lack of purpose running strong in each of there eyes, this isnt where i need to be i tell my self, and act acordingly, jump in and escape, moved by the bigger plan and carried off into the demintion i was ment for the present moment i know im doing right, tunneled into my inner being ive found it, found what it is i need to drive me self to where im supposed to be, becuase of the circumstances ive been brought to this realization of what it is I've been looking for lost for so long, not completely lost just not trying hard enough to find what was really there, I've opend up the box and in return opened up my future, no longer do i need to ask my self the questions and wory about what to do cause its all layed out perfectly clearly for me, I may not know exactly what it will amount to and how it will look but the trust and perseverance will get me through and take me to a place I would have never imagined I could be, each noch on the ladder gets put beneath me as I assend to the place I'm ment to be, blessed I am to have obtained this enlightenment and experiance the things I have, the unreal and sureal moments seem to rush in like the light from the sun just peaking its way through my window waking me up so that i may experiance the new day, new life and new understanding of what I have become and what I will become in him. I dont matter any more it isnt about me or my views its about him and them. The arrows once pointing to my being now point out ward in to different directions to the heaven and the world abroad, oh the importance that it needs to stay that way, oh how i wish i could keep this permanent and that the selfish nature of my very being wouldnt eventually alter this, i wish so bad i could strip that selfish way of thinking from my person and part with it forever, for it is the one thing i will strugle with for the rest of my earthly life, the mentality of keeping my thoughts off my self and on to this so hopefull world, on to this amazing life and amazing place, the bed, my pillow harbering something bent toward unserving himself, its now a new day, the day to feed my mind and body with healthy and edifying things the selfish things i do, i do out of respect for my self, respect for my personal temple, the one I have been so blessed to have received and so selfish to do worldly things to, there arnt words to describe how thankfull I am for the abundance of GREAT things in my life right now, I am in love with my heavenly father and he is ultimatly the one who has provided for me, it is because of him that I have such purpose and understanding it is him who I give my life to and watch this journey that he has planned out for me unfold, my talent is all his, my life his for the taking, my mind his, my heart his, these fingers typing these words and eyes making sure im spelling these words correctly, although not doing a very good job are his as well, the joy and fullfillment I now have is a result of my faith in him and nothing else, his plan will now procede. I'm ready! |
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| Wishfull thinking |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|12:27 pm] |
A salty tear drips from your eye and soaks my bloody brow, you weep in morning of my dismantled body, as if it wasn't something you saw coming. In the back of our heads we both new it would come to this. What hurts even more then seeing you like this is the fact that this is how it had to end up. That this is what it took to for your true feelings hidden behind a wall of lies to emerge. It took you losing another person who was there for you through so much, now he’s just a torn up bloody body in your hands who you will never talk to again, he will never make you smile again, he will never be there when you really need some one to run to, you took advantage of something beautiful that you once had and now all that remains is physical, all that remains is my body, who knows what would have happened if the cards were played differently who knows if i still would have been on that road at that time of night but the facts remain, we ended with an argument like always, and the last time I would really get to see what i meant to you, i would only be there in spirit.
The title of this entry is the title of that paragraph, its filled with real and hidden meaning, and really embodies everything that i feel about her right now. But on a much more happier note I came to an amazing realization a couple days ago while I was driving in my car and I think this is really going to help me with the struggle I have been having over what is and what isn’t, Something that is blowing my mind is how many amazing people I have been meeting recently and some I already new and am just getting to know more, these all are GREAT people, but have so many different views different opinions and have different but very strong oppinions about things, and this is a time in my life where I’m really trying to figure out for my self who I am and what aspects of there life that I agree with that I want to incorporate in mine, this involves allot of research but it also involves allot of heart, but more importantly I have just realized that 9 times out of ten what it really boils down to in the matter of peoples characteristics, actions, and opinions. Is the way they were brought up, more and more i have seen a direct relation between the way people act and there home life and I’m slowly starting to base my opinions on this and not necessarily judging people critically on this but more observing peoples actions on this to formulate my own opinions about write and wrong, but i will tell you one thing, the main truth that I have found that to me mixed with allot less lies then anything else I have come in contact with is Gods word! And attending church at North point and Andy Stanley’s teachings and of course last but not least my personal relationship with God! |
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| First Post |
[Sep. 24th, 2005|03:37 am] |
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Im new with this but ive decided to get one, so that i can keep my writings, and thoughts on here, and keep only a select group able to view it! |
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